Monthly Archives: April 2011

Regrets…

Thank you veteransA close friend of mine mentioned a few weeks ago that one of her cousins compiled a book based off all the stories of her relatives. In it, each of their memories, their words, and their lives were immortalized, forever remembered by their descendants.

 

This morning, I remembered that again. My grandfather passed away, and I realized that there were so many stories he could have told that I could have written down. There was so much history behind those blue eyes, so many tales behind his rough exterior. And I, jaded and afraid, never stepped forward to ask.

 

It is hard writing this, knowing that I will never again go RVing with him. I will never hold that wrinkled hand as we sit around Thanksgiving dinner, bickering about which prayer to pray and whether cranberry salsa or cranberry jam is better. I will never again watch Nascar with him, or hear his deep chuckle, or listen to him lecture me about school. And what’s worse, I never got to say good-bye.

 

I have so many regrets from the past few days, let alone the last few years. There are so many things I should have told him, so many times I should have told him I loved him. There were so many times I should have taken M to visit, should have had our family spend more time with them. He’s the only grandfather I’ve ever really known, and I wasted my time.

 

If you have grandparents out there, send them a note. Write them a memory you love. Tell them how you feel. Send them a picture. Ask them a question. But do not waste this time. I didn’t realize just how close I was to losing him. He’s always been so strong, so determined to live. Don’t make my mistake. Don’t let someone you love slip away.

 

I don’t know what else to say, honestly. I’m still not sure I believe it. So, for now, this is is. I love you, Granddad. I’ll see you in heaven.

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I Am Not A Christian

I don’t usually bring religion onto this blog, but something’s been weighing on me for a while. It’s part of why I’ve been off and on this past week. So, I’m going to ramble about it here. After all, you aren’t being forced to read this. Just…mildly threatened.

 

I don’t claim to be a Christian. I am too imperfect of a person to claim that title. I don’t want to be another example of how messed up “Christians” are. Still…my life has been falling apart around me. School is lagging behind. My house is a disaster. My marriage isn’t doing much better (and I take full responsibility for that). My health is on the line from a bad reaction to circumstances outside my control. I myself am out of control, and it’s so ironic it’s pathetic. My life is out of control because I refuse to give up control.

 

I go through my day clinging to the little things like a few extra minutes of sleep or not having to do dishes right away. I grasp at doing what I want, when I want, like watching tv and facebooking instead of studying. I manipulate relationships trying to always have the upper hand, and I’ve controlled my way into almost completely destroying the love of the man most important to me. All. Because. I. Needed. Control.

 

I’m exhausted. I can’t do it. Time and again, it’s thrown into my face. Time and again, a little voice in the back of my head whispers at me. I know what to do. I grew up in the church. I once had faith. I’d even go so far as to say that I was in love with Jesus. I knew what to do. I just didn’t want to give it up.

 

It’s scary, giving up control. I deal with it all the time, teaching people to swim. You have to trust that something so intangible, so fluid as water will hold you. It defies all reason. Rocks sink. We sink. But, you have to trust. You have to take your feet off the ground and believe that you won’t drown. I forget how scary that is for people. I’ve been swimming for years. It’s the same with faith, and up until now, I was too afraid to trust my life to something outside my control.

 

I’m not claiming to have everything figured out. Hell, I don’t have anything figured out. The only thing I know is that I cannot live the way I was living. There was no way those things in my life could give me the satisfaction I was needing. So it’s all gone. I don’t live for myself any more. It doesn’t matter if I have a show I want to watch. It has to wait until the important things are done. I can’t explain it, but my priorities have shifted. I’m still struggling to find a balance within this new uncontrol but I’m feeling so much more stable. I’m more at peace. There’s no more stress over homework. There’s no more anxiety about the house being dirty. There’s no more expectations that my husband cannot meet. There’s no more guilt over the past.

 

I know just a few things for certain. I am loved by a Man more amazing than any I will ever know. I am loved by a man who is not perfect, but who tries. I am loved by a little boy and by my family and by my friends. And, I have been blessed. Those are the things I know for sure. The rest doesn’t matter. Whatever happens is out of my control. I am merely doing my best to live for the One who saved me and to love these people in my life. That is all I can do. Strange…everything seems to fall into place…

Mental

NEWSFLASH: I’m verifiable insane.

Just look at how long it took me to get this post up! Three hours of fighting with HTML code, beating my head against the computer, and crying, and all it needed was a little button…I’m technologically challenged, I know. Noob status: verified.

 

Then again, I think anyone who’s a writer has to have at least a mild case of insanity. Think about it. We all have split personalities, sometimes multiple personalities. (It gets annoying when my characters demand a storyline…) We all have our boughts of artistic depression. Many of us have anxiety issues, more of us have anger issues (see previous post). Some of us are in denial, and I know I have some serious scars from my childhood. We all hear voices. SOme of us have been abducted by aliens. Some of us are slightly brain dead. We’re all crazy!

That said, I decided to let my inner psychopath out. The ever-lovely BookRix.com held a contest in March for 30 Days of Diary entries¬†and I’ve entered a diary of my own in it. If you can wade through the insanity and understand the meaning, you are one of the crazies, too. I would be honored to have you read it (and if you don’t, I will hunt you down and make you wish you had….I really want that iPad!) Be careful not to miss the twist at the end. Hopefully it makes you think. If it doesn’t, then the voices lied to me…