I Am Not A Christian

I don’t usually bring religion onto this blog, but something’s been weighing on me for a while. It’s part of why I’ve been off and on this past week. So, I’m going to ramble about it here. After all, you aren’t being forced to read this. Just…mildly threatened.

 

I don’t claim to be a Christian. I am too imperfect of a person to claim that title. I don’t want to be another example of how messed up “Christians” are. Still…my life has been falling apart around me. School is lagging behind. My house is a disaster. My marriage isn’t doing much better (and I take full responsibility for that). My health is on the line from a bad reaction to circumstances outside my control. I myself am out of control, and it’s so ironic it’s pathetic. My life is out of control because I refuse to give up control.

 

I go through my day clinging to the little things like a few extra minutes of sleep or not having to do dishes right away. I grasp at doing what I want, when I want, like watching tv and facebooking instead of studying. I manipulate relationships trying to always have the upper hand, and I’ve controlled my way into almost completely destroying the love of the man most important to me. All. Because. I. Needed. Control.

 

I’m exhausted. I can’t do it. Time and again, it’s thrown into my face. Time and again, a little voice in the back of my head whispers at me. I know what to do. I grew up in the church. I once had faith. I’d even go so far as to say that I was in love with Jesus. I knew what to do. I just didn’t want to give it up.

 

It’s scary, giving up control. I deal with it all the time, teaching people to swim. You have to trust that something so intangible, so fluid as water will hold you. It defies all reason. Rocks sink. We sink. But, you have to trust. You have to take your feet off the ground and believe that you won’t drown. I forget how scary that is for people. I’ve been swimming for years. It’s the same with faith, and up until now, I was too afraid to trust my life to something outside my control.

 

I’m not claiming to have everything figured out. Hell, I don’t have anything figured out. The only thing I know is that I cannot live the way I was living. There was no way those things in my life could give me the satisfaction I was needing. So it’s all gone. I don’t live for myself any more. It doesn’t matter if I have a show I want to watch. It has to wait until the important things are done. I can’t explain it, but my priorities have shifted. I’m still struggling to find a balance within this new uncontrol but I’m feeling so much more stable. I’m more at peace. There’s no more stress over homework. There’s no more anxiety about the house being dirty. There’s no more expectations that my husband cannot meet. There’s no more guilt over the past.

 

I know just a few things for certain. I am loved by a Man more amazing than any I will ever know. I am loved by a man who is not perfect, but who tries. I am loved by a little boy and by my family and by my friends. And, I have been blessed. Those are the things I know for sure. The rest doesn’t matter. Whatever happens is out of my control. I am merely doing my best to live for the One who saved me and to love these people in my life. That is all I can do. Strange…everything seems to fall into place…